User blog:The Sam Puckett/iCarly Abridged Episode 2!!!!!

Disclaimer: I don’t own iCarly, but I’ll try to put up more episodes faster than they do!

iCarly The Abridged Series Episode Two: iRarely Air On TV Due To A Misplacement Of Episodes (Darn you Sam’s Locker!)

[Opening scene: iCarly is airing with Carly holding up a bra and a potato]

CARLY:

This, my friends, is what Sam always keeps on her at all times. She says it’s a ninja thing.

SAM:

It’s true! The rule to being a ninja is you never leave yourself unprotected, or hungry!

CARLY:

Well, that solves it. I’m never becoming a ninja because Sam eats all my food…

SAM:

Carls, can we talk about this later?

CARLY: 

Sure, right after we observe this horrid mole on the 34 year old lobbyist suffering a mid-life crisis.

SAM:

Yeah, my girlfriend terrorizes the middle-aged man, even though he has one of the most annoying jobs in the country!

CARLY:

Our wonderful technical producer-

SAM: 

Wonderful? He thinks he’s someone new every week!

FREDDIE:

And this week, I’m Toplin from that short movie-

SAM:

No one cares, it’s time for me to hide my secret love for you by treating you like garbage!

CARLY:

Yeah, just push a button Freddie.

FREDDIE:

Pushing, my love!

[CUE LEWBERT CLIP]

LEWBERT:

But you promised you’d call me! IT’S BEEN THREE YEARS!

LADY:

(WITH AN ENGLISH ACCENT)

Good heavens, no! I was intoxicated when I met you-

LEWBERT:

(LOOKING AT HER DOG)

Is that our son? WHY DIDN’T YOU EVER TELL ME WE HAD A SON!

LADY:

I never wanted you to find out!

LEWBERT:

(TO DOG)

I am your father, you obey me now! TALK. LIKE. I. DO!

CARLY:

Then things only got weirder…

[FREDDIE CHANGES THE CLIP]

LEWBERT:

COOKIE! I haven’t had a decent meal in weeks! (EATS COOKIE OUT OF A KID’S HAND)

BOY:

AH! The monster’s trying to eat me!

WOMAN:

I’ll call security, honey!

SECURITY GUARD: (IN A DEEP, INTIMIDATING VOICE)

Hey, what’s going on that I was conveniently here to witness.

LEWBERT:

(POPS BALLOON)

'''COP: (GASPS) '''

You popped a balloon! I’m going to arrest you!

CARLY: You see, the man’s obviously gone crazy, and needs some serious medical help…

SAM:

So we’re gonna give him a heart attack, and bother him for no apparent reason, other than “kids rule”!

(SAM PICKS UP A PHONE AND DIALS A NUMBER)

LEWBERT:

(ANSWERS, AND IS ALREADY DRUNK AT 9 PM)

Hello, what are you wear- AH!!!

(CARLY BLOWS AN AIRHORN INTO THE RECEIVER)

CARLY:

iCarly, a show where we broadcast the weirdos of the world-

SAM:

And bring dogs together with their biological fathers…

CARLY:

K, we’re done now, get out!

SAM: 

Yeah, or we’ll do this to you!

LEWBERT:

(PICKS UP THE PHONE AGAIN)

Hey, I didn’t even get your num- AH!!!

(CARLY BLOWS THE AIRHORN AGAIN)

FREDDIE:

[QUICKLY]

Wait, I have to say in five, four, three, two, uhh what comes after-

[CUE “FRIENDS” THEME SONG]

[CUT TO NEXT SCENE, WHERE FREDDIE RUNS INTO THE KITCHEN, TO FIND CARLY AND SAM]

FREDDIE:

Hello, love of my life, did you enjoy watching me run like a spazz?

SAM:Listen, doof, it is long overdue that we fight over Carly like it is implied we usually do-

FREDDIE:

Sam, stop breaking the fourth wall!

SAM:

No, you stop oogling my girlfriend-

FREDDIE:

My girlfriend!-

SAM:

No, mine!-

FREDDIE:

Why don’t you just admit you’re in love with me-

SAM:

I would, if you weren’t gonna say that in iWas a Pageant Girl-

FREDDIE:

Ha! You love me!

[THEY ARGUE INCESSANTLY, UNTIL CARLY SPRAYS THEM BOTH WITH WATER]

SAM:

Hey what gives, you hit him more than me!

FREDDIE:

Yeah! And that’s not even water!

CARLY:

How dare you two stop fighting over me! Oh, and Spencer always told me that making people wet always solves problems.

SAM:

Then why’d you hit the nerd?

FREDDIE:

Hey, I happen to enjoy- AH!

SAM:

AH!

[BOTH ARE SPRAYED AGAIN BY CARLY]

CARLY:

Now behave, or no dinner for you guys! (CALLS OUT)Spencer! Stop being a lazy bum, and come eat the dinner I slaved over!

(TO SAM AND FREDDIE)

Sam, flirt with my brother, and we’re over.

SAM:

No promises…

[SPENCER RUNS IN WITH A TOILET SEAT LID]

SPENCER: 

I broke the toilet! Now what?

CARLY:

We’re gonna eat and discuss the point of this episode!

SAM:

And this is where Spam was born!

SPENCER:

I’m going to talk about gross things to ruin Freddie’s dinner! By the way, why do we always pick on him?

[FREDDIE IS HOLDING UP HIS FOOD, HORRIFIED, THEN PUTS IT DOWN]

SAM:

Because, until iWill Date Freddie, Freddie’s the kid everyone picks on until girls realize he is hot. Sam does not like this!

FREDDIE

[STABS AT FOOD]

I. ONLY. WANT. MEGAN.

SAM:

Ah, Freddie, again with the Megan?

SPENCER:

Who’s Megan, is she hot?

SAM:

Freddie thinks Carly is Megan. And you just called your sister hot!

FREDDIE:

I’m going to marry her! Anything you have to say to that?

SPENCER:

Awkward…

CARLY:

While this is still about me, we need a real plot here, so anything else?

SAM:

Yeah, I’m pregnant, Carls.

FREDDIE:

Megan, you look exquisite…

SAM:

Why don’tcha just marry her if you think she’s so hot?

FREDDIE:

Sam, you’re not supposed to be jealous, that is out of character for you!

SAM:

Oh, shut up and bend over already, comedic reli- AH!

[CARLY SPRAYS THEM ONCE… AGAIN]

CARLY:

I see that the spray bottle will be pivotal to the plot in this episode. Whatever, I’ll just say we’re going to get more viewers this week, and we’ll have a contest against each other to see who can get more people to watch the show.

SAM:

Shadi the main character, betches! That ensures me a win!

FREDDIE:

Ah, not my love muffin! Why do you always have to win?

SAM:

Because I’m the loveable bad (insert foghorn noise here) that everyone wants to succeed, even though I’m probably evil. Maybe.

SPENCER:

Ah, the classic boys versus girls match. I had a girl this week, but she didn’t like seeing me in my light up in the dark socks.

SAM:

Light up in the… dark?

[SPENCER UNVEILS HIS LIGHT UP IN THE DARK SOCKS]

SAM:

(THINKING)

That was sooo hot!!!

FREDDIE:

It’s settled, we’re going to have a contest!

SAM:

Not before one more obligatory joke about you and how I once wore your antibacterial-

[CARLY SPRAYS SAM]

CARLY:

We do not pick on friends. Also, you’re supposed to be fighting over me only, ok?

SAM:

(SHRUGS)

Only if you promise to do that again.

SPENCER:

Let’s have Lewbert be in the plot!

CARLY:

Hell no!

(SAYS RAPIDLY)

Loser touches Lewbert’s wart!

SAM:

Yeah, I’m switching to whatever team Spencer’s on, peace, Carls!

[CUT TO SCENE WHERE SPENCER RUNS UP TO FREDDIE IN SCHOOL]

[FREDDIE BUMPS HIS HEAD ON HIS LOCKER]

FREDDIE:

Ow! Spencer! If it was for your hot sister, I’d seriously kick your-

SPENCER:

(CUTTING HIM OFF)

I had a dream! We’re going to lose the contest anyways, so picture this: We make the biggest traffic jam, ever! Then we’ll break a world record!

FREDDIE:

No, we won’t because then we’ll have a record for that, and no point to iWant a World Rec-

SPENCER:

The sign can say “Marry me, Carly!”

FREDDIE:

That’s genius!

(THEN QUICKLY ADDS)

Make it say “Megan” or no deal.

SPENCER:

Whatever, weirdo, I get to explode things! YAY!

MISS BRIGGS:

Spencer, cutting again?

SPENCER:

Haha, no, I graduated! Good try though!

MISS BRIGGS:

I failed you six times, you didn’t graduate.

SPENCER:

Oh, right…

FREDDIE:

(NERVOUSLY) 

Uh, I don’t know him…

(TO SPENCER)

Run before she expels you!

SPENCER:

I didn’t fail- oh yeah, Spenish class… That was you?

FREDDIE:

Don’t look directly into her eyes?

MISS BRIGGS:

Seriously, are you two wetting yourselves? Do I have to get some diaper-

FREDDIE:

Run, or she’ll get us both!

(PULLS SPENCER OUTSIDE)

[CUT TO SCENE WHERE CARLY AND SAM ARE ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV]

[CARLY GRABS SAM’S WRIST]

CARLY:

I got it! Despite Seattle’s horrible weather, and the extreme unlikelihood of us realistically getting on a show that popular, we’re gonna make a big, non-water proof sign!

SAM:

Why’d you let go…?

CARLY:

Stop Sam, or there’ll be no point to having Freddie on the show.

SAM:

Whatever, I’m the cutest person on the-

CARLY:

'''[SPRAYS SAM WITH WATER... WHILE SAM IS SECRETLY WONDERING IF THIS IS CARLY’S MEANS OF FOREPLAY]'''

SAM:

Ok, so are you!

[CUE TO SCENE WHERE CARLY AND SAM ARE OUTSIDE THE STUDIO OF SEATTLE BEAT]

[THE SIGN GETS WET, AND WASHES AWAY]

CARLY:

Well, at least we gave homage to that video by T.a.t.U…

[CUT TO SCENE WHERE FREDDIE AND SPENCER ARE WORKING ON THEIR ELECTRONIC SIGN]

SPENCER:

(ZAPPED)

OW! Freddie, that shock hurt me, will you kiss my boo-boo?

[CARLY AND SAM ENTER THE ROOM, SOAKED]

CARLY:

We’re wet in more places than one.

SAM:

(THINKING) 

Says you. Speaking of wet… its Spencer.

SPENCER:

I got a boo-boo…

FREDDIE:

Sam, you suck. Carly, you don’t.

SPENCER:

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

I’m just gonna let this sign drop on you while I take my call.

(ON THE PHONE)

Oh hey, non-existent person! I’m not abusing a child. K, bye!

[CUT TO SCENE WHERE ICARLY IS WEBCASTING]

SAM:

Hey, this week I got a dude to dress up in a bunny suit!

CARLY:

True story, let’s see it!

SAM:

Nerd, that means you!

FREDDIE:

Who’s in denial?

[CUT TO BOYS ON SCREEN]

BOY IN BUNNY SUIT:

We’re sooo not high! I love iCarly! And bunnies! So do you think Carly can wear one?

CARLY:

Ok, so now we know Sam lost her privileges for the week.

SAM:

At least I enjoyed it!

CARLY: 

So now we’re just gonna cut Sam off, and see what Spencer’s doing to fill up the duration of this webcast!

[CUT TO SPENCER WEARING HEADPHONES ON THE SCREEN]

SPENCER:

I’m eating a taco! What’s up Carly?

CARLY:

Spencer, what are you doing?

SPENCER:

I decided since we were going to lose, I’d make a traffic jam and get arrested! K, bye kiddo!

[PUSHES A BUTTON TO LIGHT UP HIS SIGN]

Hehe! I freaking win!

SAM:

Yep, that’s my best friend’s brother… For his sexy points, I give him a-

[PUSHES BUTTON OF HER REMOTE, WHICH YELLS OUT THE NUMBER 8]

Carly:

I get a 10, Spencer, Freddie.

[CARS BEGIN TO CRASH]

[LOOKS AT WRECKAGE]

You saw nothing!

[DUCKS TO AVOID THE POLICE]

[CUE TO ICARLY TRIO IN KITCHEN]

SAM:

I can’t believe he got arrested... check it out!

FREDDIE:

Of course you’d say that.

SAM:

Freddie, if we keep fighting, people are gonna think we love-

CARLY:

Ok, that’s it. Keep making things obvious, because I’m leaving-

'''[OPENS DOOR TO SEE SPENCER AND OFFICER CARL. SPENCER WALKS IN AND WAVES]'''

OFFICER CARL:

This junkie your brother?

CARLY:

For five bucks, maybe.

OFFICER CARL:

Well, we’ve got no room for him at the pen, so we’re releasing him, despite the fact that he injured and potentially kill-

(You can’t say kill on a kid’s show!)

CARLY:

Nope, not my brother!

SPENCER:

I’m sorry, can we be BFFLS forever… please?

[OFFICER CARL BACKS OUT, THEN COMES BACK IN]

OFFICER CARL:

(SNIFFS LOTION, AND RUBS IT ON HANDS)

Haha, bet you wish you could do this, huh junkie! Mind freak!!!

SPENCER:

(WHISPERS LOUDLY)

He’s totally baked!

CARLY, SAM AND FREDDIE:

We know…

CARLY:

Look at the comments we got about you Spence!

SAM:

(READS)

Dude, the bit with the foreign kid drinking spaghetti was ‘eh’, but when Spencer got arrested, I wet my pants!!!

Signed,

Toplin13

FREDDIE:

What a cool kid!

CARLY:

Freddie, the point of comments is to hear other people’s opinions. Anyways, this one reads “Carly and Sam, stop messing with people’s heads and just date already. Love, Camftw!”

SPENCER:

Hold on, what do you guys do on your show? And didn’t we all lose?

CARLY:

Well-

SAM:

We lost first, so I’m touchin’ it.

SPENCER:

Ooo, can we watch?

CARLY:

What the heck, why not? It’s not like we have any homework to do or anything.

FREDDIE:

What Megan said.

SPENCER:

Wait! I’ve gotta pee!

'''[THE ICARLY GANG, WITH SPENCER, RUNS OUTSIDE TO FIND A BUSH, AND WATCH SAM POP LEWBERT’S WART. END SCENE.]'''

'''So, installment II is up!!! Whatcha think webbers of the world?'''