User blog:The Sam Puckett/iCarly Abridged!!!! Episode 1!!!

'''Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly, it belongs to Dan Schneider and all of the orange peeps at Nick! However, the idea to make this a parody purely came from me! :D Teeheee!'''

Authors Notes: 

Carly Shay is depicted as a complete Mary Sue, the perfect girl, in an over the top manner.

Sam is depicted as an exaggerated version of herself with bicurious tendencies. (Mainly for humor and shipping purposes)

Freddie believes he is Toplin from Drake and Josh, the extra that was supposed to be the love interest of Megan Parker. Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT call him a "tech stooge"!

Spencer is an artist by day, playboy by night. How else do you think the bills get paid? :P

Gibby's the shirtless wonder. He never knows where his shirt is, even when he wakes up in the morning.

The families of iCarly members don't exist, and explaining why not would break the fourth wall, which should never ever be done.

Except for Mrs Benson, because she has a spray for everything. Even AIDS. :P

Oh, and Principal Franklin is Barack Obama. 'Cause he's awesome!

iCarly The Abridged Series Episode One: iCall It The Pilot Like Everyone Else Does

[Opening scene, where Principal Franklin is in his room]

Principal Franklin : (snickering)

Oh, this is precious! She got the head on the hippo perfectly, just like I wanted!

Miss Briggs:

What did you say?

[Enter Carly Shay, a normal 13 year old girl with a best friend. And another best friend. She has alot of friends, ok?]

Carly:

You called? Do you like the rhino?

Principal Franklin:

Rhino? I wanted a hippo! ! !

Miss Briggs:

(rushed)

Say what?

Principal Franklin:

Carly, this is unacceptable. I'm afraid, I have to punish you for this. You're going to have to-

Carly:

(whispering)

Please not Wesley, please not Wesley, please not Wesley!

Principal Franklin:

I’m leaving you in charge of the talent show this year, and since Wesley’s signed up, no teacher wants to do it, even with a raise. Which I find very interesting since- (continues muttering, while camera is panned to Carly)

Carly

(In slow motion)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Miss Briggs

(Simulataneously)

Muahahaha!

[Quick cut to scene with Sam holding a boy against his locker] 

Sam:

(Talks with Andrew Garfield’s voice)

Alright, I’m gonna tell you again, if you say another word about me and Freddie being a cute couple, I’m gonna pound you to-

Boy:

(High pitched voice)

Not the face, not the face!

(Carly enters, grabbing Sam’s hair)

Sam:

(pained and rushed)

But baby, I love you!

Carly:

Despite the fact that I cannot tell a lie, and later on in the episode iPromise Not to Tell, I will physically get sick for doing so, I was capable of telling Principal Franklin that I photosho- photodocked the picture.

Sam:

(In awe)

Coooool. So, now can we go rob a gas station?

Carly:

No! I will not break character! And we’re going to the talent show on Saturday to see Wesley, even though I only have to attend, making you go will also develop your character.

Sam:

Can I sleep on your shoulder?

Carly:

No! Ok, maybe, but I missed CuttleFish for this! You’re sleeping on the couch missy!

Sam:

(walks away, while shoving the boy into a locker)

Baby, don’t go, I can change!!! Btw, stay there kid, so I can kick your a-

(Wait, this is a kid’s show! You can’t curse!)

[Cut to scene where Carly drops her water, and Freddie picks it up.]

Freddie:

(energetically)

Hello, love of my life, who lives next door! *Waves* Hi!

Carly:

Hey Freddie, I-

Freddie:

You know I got your new cell phone like you asked, Megan!

Carly:

But I’m not Megan-

Freddie: 

Sure, and my name isn’t Toplin, either. Doy! One day you’ll fall in love with me, Megan, you’ll see.

Carly:

K, bye, Freddie, you’ve forgotten to take your medication again, I see…

(Closes door)

Offscreen

Mrs. Benson:

Freddie, c’mere so you can take your rectal exam…

Freddie:

No! My name is Toplin, and I am not sticking that, AH-!

(Carly opens her door to find Spencer hanging on a pole)

Carly:

Oh, Spencer, I should’ve known you were going to try a new trick on the pole. Can you get down from there, otherwise I have to call the firefighters, and they don’t like you.

Spencer: 

What, I’m just taking high res pics of myself- AH, OOF!!!

Carly:

That’s my brother, roughly knocked face down on a hard surface. Did you manage to get any work done, or did you slack off today, like you do every day, and only work seriously for about one hour?

Spencer:

That… may have happened. But I made you a squirrel out of my camera! It’s so cute, wanna pet it?

Carly:

Spencer, you know the only squirrel I pet belongs to-

'''[Cut immediately to talent show, where Carly enters, awaiting Sam. Freddie is already setting up equipment] '''

Carly: 

Sam! Stop beating up hoboes on the street for petty cash, and get here before Freddie-

Freddie:

Megan! Darling, I made you breakfast, Freddie Benson style! (mutters) Though, I’m still Toplin.

So, now will you marry me, and have two wonderful kids with me so my mother will stop spraying me with-

Carly:

Even though I’m breaking your heart in saying no, I still want a bagel, so hand it over and I might tell Sam not to wedgie you later. Speaking of Sam-

Sam:

(Thinking: Holy chiz, Carly and Freddie in the same room as me? Connnflliictt!!!)

Hey, nerd, back off my girlfriend!

Freddie:

You! Ever since you came around, Megan’s been acting all nice, and weird! I want her back, or I won’t obsess and follow her for the rest of Season 1 until Season 3!

Carly:

Please, for me?

Freddie:

Toplin, at your service. Now if you’ll notice, all my cameras are working perfectly-

Sam:

(Thinking) Haha, I’m gonna screw up the angle on this one, because my character is partially a tech nerd on the inside. And it also bothers Fredwad, which makes me happy inside. Wait, now I’m thinking about the nerd. Ah, stop it, self!)

Freddie:

Hey Sam, bet you didn’t know Carly and I are in love.

Sam:

Read my lips you camera loving freak, Carly will never love you. Maybe I do, but I’ll never tell you, because you’re a nerd, ya nerd! I went to a psychic and she told me in Season 4, episode 10-

Carly:

Sam, stop spoiling the entire plot of this series, and sit down. You’re punished today.

Freddie:

(In a singsong voice)

Hehe, you got punished, you got punished…

Sam:

Your camera angle’s off.

Freddie:

(Sensing danger)

Oh no, I’ve been working on that for hours!

Carly:

Freddie, it’s seven in the morning, did you sleep here or something? Dude, not cool, man!

[Cut to Talent Show, where suckish people with no talent are performing]

[Pan to Carly and Sam with horrified faces]

Actor With Mustache:

(In a French Accent) I’m going to perform an act by the original Sam Puckett. It is called, how you say, “The Man Who Wanted Soup, And The Waiter Who Refused To Give Him Some.”

Sam: Eh, I’ll live. Go ahead dweeb.

Actor With Mustache:

I said, ah give me the soup!

We’re not giving you the soup!

I said ah give me the soup!

I’m not giving you the soup!

I said give me the soup!

Sam: Buck up Carls, this play could go on forever.

Carly: Is it half way over?

Sam: No, this is just the beginning.

Carly: You’re the worst friend ever, just know that.

[Cut to Wesley performing his rap)]

Carly:

(Thinking) Must not scream “You suck”, must not scream “You suck”…

Sam:

(Thinking) This kid sucks! But I on the other hand, get to have a nap. And dream about lard based products, MPEGS, and getting this chick to let me stay over. My mom brought over a guy, so to avoid the awkward fight over my food, I’m gonna stay at Carly’s… *Nods off to sleep*

Carly:

(Thinking) I knew it, she always falls asleep on me. When she taught me how to drive, we had to take a 3 hour nap first! And the cops were after us!

[Cut to the end of the talent show]

Freddie:

(Thinking) Well, that was a fail, maybe Megan will go out with me for icecream? Ooo, wait they’re talking! Must listen…

Carly: 

Did I mention I like the word boobs? I do a lot.

Freddie:

(Thinking) Boobs? I’ve gotta record this, and get millions of hits on the generic site we use to watch videos on the internet!

Sam:

Me too! Like, “Freddie’s a boob!” Or, “I wish Freddie had boobs!”

Carly:

Yeah, totally- wait, what?

Sam: 

Nothing, just boobs. Can we get icecream? I’m craving waffle cones…

Carly:

Aw, Sam, you and your eating habits are eventually going to eat me out of house and home…

Sam:

It’s what I do!

Freddie: 

(Thinking) Hehe, works like a charm!

(Move to scene with Carly and Sam sleeping)

Carly: 

Man, this girl can sleep! I wonder if the smell of my feet will wake her up? Sam, Sam! *pokes with feet*

Sam:

(Thinking) Mmm, bacon. Oh wait, feet.

‘Sup Carls? Did you have a nightmare about fighting someone? Do I have to go back to sleep and go choke a bi-

(Sam, stop trying to curse!)

Carly:

Freddie promised to upload the video he took of the talent show to the generic website we use to watch videos on. Let’s check it out.

Sam:

You always do what Freddie says, are you ever gonna say yes to me?

Carly:

Yes to what? You can’t sleep in my room, it hasn’t been built yet.

Sam:

And they say I break the fourth wall…

Carly:

O.M.G, Freddie uploaded us talking! We’re talking about boobs and stuff! Quick Sam, beat him up and make him take down the video before people get ideas!

Sam:

Relax, it’s just a vid-

Carly:

Sam… My father watches the internet!

Sam:

(simultaneously)

You’re-shocking-me! Yah!

(Goes off to drag Freddie in)

Freddie:

No, I am being violated, and forced to be seen in my too cute pajamas! At least let me change my trucks to Spongeb-

Carly:

Freddie, you put up the wrong video, you moron!

Freddie:

Psh, no I didn’t… (looks at video) Oh, shoot I did. Sorry about that, can we still be friends? Minus Sam?

Sam:

One day I will kiss you, and it’ll confuse the (insert cash register noise here) out of you.

Carly:

Sam, stop spoiling Season 4. Freddie, fix this.

Freddie:

Will do.I have to say, I make these trucks look good!

(Quick cut to scene with Carly, Sam and Mrs. Briggs)

Miss Briggs:

REJECTED!

Carly:

But we spent all that time listening to losers! At least listen to the less suckish of them!

Miss Briggs:

I changed my mind, because I don’t like you. Or her. And that disturbed boy with the camera. Him either. Ha, ha!

Sam:

What a nub!

(Cut to scene with Carly, Freddie and Sam in apartment)

Carly:

You know what we have to do now, right?

Sam:

Go on with our lives like normal people?

Carly:

No! We have to revolt, like the Americans did with the British in the American Revolution!

Sam:

Was I asleep again when this happened?

Carly:

No Sam, this happened in 1776.

Freddie:

I’m just the third wheel!

Carly:

I say we make a webshow with the less sucky people, and embarrass them like they were meant to be all over the world!

Freddie:

Yeah! And we can call the show Carly, because it’s all about you! Then put an “I” in front, so you can’t get in trouble.

Sam: 

If there’s food and naps, I’m in.

Carly:

No, but you can be my adorable sidekick who most of the fanbase loves.

Sam:

Can I kiss you on the webshow?

Carly:

No.

Sam:

Ok, then, I’m not working either. Meeeeeh…

Freddie:

I’ll be your cameraman, and the butt of your jokes!

Sam:

Aw, you do have a cute butt! Wait, what?

Freddie:

Nyah! My heart belongs to Megan!

Carly:

Not if you were the only boy in the world.

(Spencer enters holding a female manikin)

Spencer:

Carry on, just makin’ a sculpture…

Freddie:

(Thinking) Hm, maybe she will love me….

Carly:

Spencer, I’m making a webshow, and no, don’t try to record it and send it to your “friends”, they’re all weird. And fix up the room upstairs, so I can use it? Kthanks.

Spencer:

And you won’t tell dad about this? *Moves manikin*

Carly:

Nope.

Spencer:


 * Shrugs* Ok. I’ll trust you to go upstairs with a girl and a boy every Friday, alone, with a camera. Seems reasonable!

Carly:

Yeah, just go make the room up.

Sam:

(Thinking)

Look at his flat butt!

[Cut to scene with Carly and Sam rushing to start iCarly]

Carly:

So we can’t do the kiss, or the show will be too long. What ideas have we got?

Sam:

Kiss Freddie?

Carly:

No, kissing him would lead him on, and it’s been established that I don’t like him while he’s still wearing shoes that make him our height.

Sam:

Oh I meant me.

Carly:

Absolutely not, you hate him. I think. What’ve we got?

Sam & Carly:

Enter the room, say hi, introduce the freaks, push a button- oh hey the elevator stopped!

Freddie:

Yay, it’s the girls! Five seconds until I propose to Carly!

Carly:

No, just water please.

Sam:

Wait, you’re forgetting something on your lips, it’s me!

(Struggles with Carly to kiss her)

Carly:

Sam! Not in front of Freddie!

Sam: 

But he can join if he wants-

Freddie:

We’re on in t-minus, five, four, three, two, uhhh what comes after-

Sam & Carly:

Heeeey!!!!

Carly:

This is iCarly, another one of those reality shows, except this one is on the internet! Please watch us, or my buddy-

Sam:

That would be me, Sam-

Carly:

Will push that button-

Sam:

On this here remote that a geek lent me!

Freddie:

I’m not a geek, I’m a nerd! Learn the difference, you blonde idiot!

Carly:

On to the circus act! And for our next act…

[Cut to closing of webshow]

Carly:

So that’s the show!

Sam:

Yeah, and stop eyeballing my girl, or I’ll-

Sam & Carly:

Teepee your house! Wooo!

Freddie:

I think I should end in five, four, three, two, uhhh, what comes after-

Carly:

Freddie we’re offline.

Freddie:

So Megan, about that date…

Carly:

Spencer’s home, I doubt he’d approve.

Freddie:

Darn!

Carly:

See, if you only had a room…

Sam: 

I’m bored. Can we go bother Spencer randomly, even though he might be actually doing something important?

Carly:

Sam, the chances of that are zero. Literally.

[Cut to the iCarly trio downstairs]

Carly:

(Tensely)

So, what’d they think? Did they like it or hate it? Oh gosh they hated it! I’m worse than that Rebecca Black chick!

Sam:

Don’t think that way, Carls, Rebecca Black is way worse than you.

Freddie:

Ooo, the comments are about- oh wait, they’re about you guys. They’re always about you guys!

Carly:

Freddie, what are you talking about, we only filmed one webcast.

Sam:

(reads)

‘Carly is hot.’ If I didn’t agree, I’d totally beat the chiz outta that… girl?

Freddie:

Yep, a girl. If it matters, I think you’re hot too, Megan...

Carly:

Freddie, if you call me Megan one more time…

Sam:

We’re internet celebrities, that means we can drink and party!

Freddie:

But this is a kid’s show, Sam…

Carly: 

I feel the sudden urge to dance…

(Jumps around with Sam and Freddie)

[Enter Spencer with his manikin, who shrugs and joins in]

Spencer:

I love mosh pits!

Carly:

Spencer, we’re throwing a cool party, what does a cool party need?

Spencer:

Hats, duh… and you’re not even gonna ask me-?

Carly:

Kthanks. And you’re invited, btw.

Spencer:

Winning!

[Cut to party, when Sam enters]

Sam:

Cupcake! I was not thinking of you and food, and what I like to do to food…

Carly:

I get it. Are you drinking already?

Sam: 

Yep! Ke$ha is my role model… I’m a celebrity!

{Kids come up for autographs}

Sam:

I’ll sign, $100 dollars each.

Carly:

Wow Sam, are they really going to be worth that?

Sam:

You just wait until iStart a Fanwar…

(Cue Freddie’s entrance)

Freddie:

Hey Megan, wanna pet my raccoon?

Carly:

Freddie, for the last time, no. And when are you going to call me by my real name?

Freddie:

When you start calling me Toplin, and make out with me right now!

Carly:

Yeah, Toplin is not a hot name, Freddie…

(Two boys ask Carly and Sam to dance, which they agree to)

Sam:

Look at my girlfriend’s bum, and you won’t be seen again! Ha, I’m right, you’re never seen again!

(Carly throws her hat in the air)

Carly:

Darn that was my last one!

'''So, whatcha think? Reviews peeps!!!'''