Talk:Seddie/@comment-3508470-20110728230534/@comment-3257430-20110728235305

lol, this is mine: It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Larry, woke up in a secret vineyard. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling excessively puzzled, Larry stroked a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so extemperaneously, he realized that his beloved cheesestick was missing! Immediately he called his enemy in training, Baka. Larry had known Baka for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were electric ones. Baka was unique. She was smart though sometimes a little... clueless. Larry called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Baka picked up to a very glad Larry. Baka calmly assured him that most venomous koalas yawn before mating, yet 3-legged wallabies usually flamboyantly cringe *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Larry. Why was Baka trying to distract Larry? Because she had snuck out from Larry's with the cheesestick only eleven days prior. It was a sassy little cheesestick... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Larry got back to the subject at hand: his cheesestick. Baka yawned. Relunctantly, Baka invited him over, assuring him they'd find the cheesestick. Larry grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Baka realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the cheesestick and she had to do it skillfully. She figured that if Larry took the magic flying carpet, she had take at least two minutes before Larry would get there. But if he took the hovercraft? Then Baka would be really screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Baka was interrupted by eleven oafish elvess that were lured by her cheesestick. Baka panicked; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling angered, she carefully reached for her ninja star and deftly groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the hovercraft rolling up. It was Larry.

o0o

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late. With a inept leap, Larry was out of the hovercraft and went charismatically jaunting toward Baka's front door. Meanwhile inside, Baka was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the cheesestick into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind her hippopotamus. Baka was frustrated but at least the cheesestick was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Baka charismatically purred. With a inept push, Larry opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish zealous...zealot in a spaceship,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Baka assured him. Larry took a seat uncomfortably close to where Baka had hidden the cheesestick. Baka sneezed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Larry was distracted. Ever so extemperaneously, Baka noticed a clueless look on Larry's face. Larry slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Baka felt a stabbing pain in her taint when Larry asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the cheesestick right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on Larry's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Larry nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Baka could react, Larry aptly lunged toward the box and opened it. The cheesestick was plainly in view.

Larry stared at Baka for what what must've been two days. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Baka groped charismatically in Larry's direction, clearly desperate. Larry grabbed the cheesestick and bolted for the door. It was locked. Baka let out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Larry,' she rebuked. Baka always had been a little oafish, so Larry knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Baka did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at her or something. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he gripped his cheesestick tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Baka looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Larry. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame nine days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Larry. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Baka walked over to the window and looked down. Larry was gone.

o0o

Just yonder, Larry was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Baka's place. Larry had severely hurt his fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral elvess suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the cheesestick. One by one they latched on to Larry. Already weakened from his injury, Larry yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of elvess running off with his cheesestick.

About four hours later, Larry awoke, his armpit throbbing. It was dark and Larry did not know where he was. Deep in the muddy disease-infested jungle, Larry was excessively lost. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he remembered that his cheesestick was taken by the elvess. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a teensy elves emerged from the swamp. It was the alpha elves. Larry opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the elves sunk its teeth into Larry's armpit. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Larry's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than seven miles away, Baka was entombed by anguish over the loss of the cheesestick. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened dangerous oil-soaked rag. With a deft thrust, she buried it deeply into her taint. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Larry... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the cheesestick that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant elvess, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(